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You know, smoking weed isn’t something just anyone can do…not with style, anyway. A lot of people might think marijuana, like many other drugs, is what it is…you smoke it, make cookies or whatever, get high, and that’s it. There is little or no respect for the ritual itself. But, smoking weed is more like drinking wine than anything, and I consider myself a connoisseur. You have your wine chiller; I have my airtight stash jar. You have your frilly glasses; I have my arsenal of pipes and papers. You have your wine of the month club; I have connections in other states. What you buy in a box for $30, I buy an ounce of for $60. What you buy for $300 a bottle,I might pay $120 for a quarter of, though I probably won’t want to. My point is that, as with wine and other classy endeavors, there are a few unwritten rules for stoner etiquette that everyone should know, and maybe even a place where they exist in writing, so there’s a standard to go by. It might look like this…

S.E Article 1: Basic Rotation

(This is a highly debatable subject, particularly amongst gang members. Now, where I grew up, you passed it to the left, period, but let’s get technical…)

Whoever lights the shit (herein referred to as the Lighter) has the sole authority to determine rotational direction, except where the person who lights the shit did not provide said shit, in which case the Lighter is obligated, although not required, to pass it first to the one who provided the shit, especially if that person sits in vicinity to the Lighter.

S.E Article 2: Complex and Compound Rotations

In instances where more than one joint, bowl, or other smokeable is in rotation, having one rotational direction can help reduce confusion and double-hitting, but contra circular rotations are acceptable. If the number of smokers is even, this makes it easier to keep both rotations moving at the same speed, particularly if the smokables move between diametric or adjacent pairs of participants.

S.E. Article 3: Number of Hits, Hit Adjustment, and Chiefing (Article currently under revision)

S.E. Standard Practice 1: The Eclipse Lighting Technique

When smoking anything that can be reasonably called good shit, a glass bowl is the best way for the smoker to enjoy the unaltered taste of the Buddha. The first, or ‘green hit’ is the tastiest of all, as the smoker inhales the entire yummy flavor of the crystals and hairs that burn up on the surface as the bowl gets smoked. Unfortunately, if you’re the one sparking the bowl for the first time, you may unwittingly deprive whoever you’re smoking with of that green hit flavor and hog it all for yourself.

Behold, the Eclipse Lighting Technique. Rather than just torching the shit out of the top of the bowl, hold the flame slightly over one side of its edge. This should give you a nice, tasty green hit without charring all of the bowl’s surface area. When executed properly, the top of the bowl may resemble a lunar eclipse, where the dark, burnt area is surrounded by a corona of unlit greenery (see fig. 2 below.) If your smoking buddies are experienced enough, it’s possible for up to five or maybe even six people to get a nice ‘green hit’ depending on the size and depth of the bowl.

S.E. Standard Practice 2: Implementation of Grinders (Article currently under revision)

It’s not fair for me to make the rules up all by myself…I actually think that’s almost communism. I’d love for you fuckers to contribute, so if you think you have a rule worthy of becoming official Stoner Etiquette, send me an email at zedwilson@comcast.net.

(Ed: Or better yet, leave a comment in the comment box below)