Highcology 101, Lesson 1: Reverse Highcology

Posted in Zed's Pipe Dreams
December 18th, 2009 by Zed Wilson (actor?)

JunePurpleCreamNugsSo, I started this new job today, and-

No, of course I’m not going to tell you where. The last thing I need is all of you fuckers coming to the new workplace all  like, “Zed! It’s fuckin’ Zed from trippin’, man! I sooo want to party with you! Lemme see your fuckin’ leg, man! Bust out Ol’ Blue!” while the boss is right there and shit!

Wait, actually, now that I think about it,that might not be so bad. I guess I could lie to the boss and say I just play some stoner guy in a movie, appease him, then, still smoke up your shit later on. Okay, send me an email with a picture of you holding a nug of something nice and I’ll totally tell you where I work. You’ve probably been there at least twice this month already. Anyway, I digress…

I’ve decided to take this job more seriously than my last one, so this morning, I smoked like half a joint of some primo to the dome about twenty minutes before I had to be there. And now the kids at home are looking at each other with confusion. “Wait, Zed…I thought you said you were taking this one seriously! Why would you get super-stoned before the first day at work? That makes no sense!”

goodman01_OldElmerFudd-BugsBunnyThis, class, is what I call “Reverse Highcology.” I don’t mean what Bugs Bunny uses to make Elmer Fudd think it’s duck season, or how you pick up chicks, either. I mean, if something sounds so fucking stupid that most wouldn’t consider it an option, it will be off everybody’s radar and you can probably get away with it a lot easier than you think you can. Dig? People can only tell if you’re high by making comparative observations, and by playing on that, you can be high all the time and no one will ever know. Come. I will show you the path.

smoking-downer-stoned-eyesFirst, as you all know, one of the most notorious indications of blowedness is your eyes. Yeah, yeah. When you get stoned, your eyes typically become glassy and bloodshot, and your pupils may be slightly dilated (though speaking from experience, if you actually get high enough off weed that your pupils dilate noticeably, it’ll be hard to tell because you’ll be passed out and they’ll be closed!) Now, stoners have tried to address issue in a few ways, most of which are ultimately ineffective. Let’s break it on down for these fools.

sunglasses-34_1451Sunglasses: These were a good start, but unless you happen to be Secret Service, at some point, you will have to take them off in the public view and thereby fuck up your whole “I’m not high” front. I mean, unless you’re Snoop, but you’re probably not, and if you are, everybody knows how high you are anyway, so there’s no fucking point to any of this for you. But hey, Snoop, if you ever actually watch my fuckin’ movie, man, I’d be honored! Hit me up if you’re ever in Detroit and we can smoke out!

Eye drops: Tighten your skull caps, because I’m about to blow your fucking minds with this one.

How many times have you and your boy blown one in his car between classes or some shit, and right before it’s time to head back in, he busts out the Visine? I know! What a fuckin’ idiot! Wait, what did you think I was going to say?

CDR0000543553For you to really grasp the depth of my chiefin’, I’ll need to give you a quick lesson in ocular anatomy. (For you retarded folks, that means “what your eyeball is made of,” and for you haters to the crops, fuck you, ‘cause even though I smoke daily, my vocabulary still owns yours.) Anyway, your eyeball is filled with a fluid called vitreous humor, which basically keeps your eye inflated in a sphere shape. thcFor whatever reason, THC lowers the internal pressure of this fluid inside your eye, and also causes the blood vessels in your eye to dilate, which allows more blood to move through its surface, creating the bloodshot effect. So, the stoner-eye syndrome results from internal changes in your eyeball. Eye drops, however, can only be used to help with external factors that cause red eyes, like allergies or fucking with your contacts too much. To use eye drops with hopes of getting rid of stoner-eyes is like saying they have lotion that you rub on your belly to cure an ulcer; it’s fuckin’ stupid as fuck.

Product003043_lgBut, wait, Zed…I’ve used Visine and shit, and I swear, it’s worked every time! Well, as uninformed as you may be, you might actually be right, especially if you wear contacts. We all know what a placebo is, right? Basically, if you think something is something that it isn’t, and that it will have some effect on you, your anticipation of said effect alone can cause your brain to subconsciously induce said effect to a degree. (And again, for all of you naysayers, I’m getting baked as I type this, so suck on it.) So, if you wear contacts, you’re used to fucking with your eyes more than most, and your brain has come to associate certain stimuli with certain responses and status reports …in this case, eyedrops in; eyes feel better. Therefore, your brain itself could, theoretically, revert your eyes to their typical state post-eyedrop without any help from the actual eyedrops at all. So, maybe eyedrops do work, although indirectly, and you could probably even pull this off if you don’t wear contacts, but hold on. If your brain is subconsciously forced to work against the THC in your system, that will inevitably lead to a fucked-up or premature loss of buzz. Secondly, now that you’re aware how all of this goes down, the placebo effect won’t work anymore! I know! I’m an asshole! Don’t worry though. If you watch Trippin,’ there’s a subliminal sequence in the movie that will revert your optical cortex and nerves to the state they were in three days ago. Seriously!  I swear!

So anyway, having debunked these failed forms of stoner camoflauge, what are we to do? Remember when I was talking about comparative observations earlier? Dumbfuck Translation: This usually is like this, but now stuff is different, and it sticks out. Well, what if we take the comparative factor out of our appearance altogether by looking the same all the time?

(Wait…he can’t be serious.)

jim-breuerI am, and you got it. The answer is to always be high. If you’re high all the time, and you just always look like that, no one’s going to say shit, you know? Case in point: that fuckin’ Jim Bruer guy from Half Baked. Now, I’ve seen or read an interview with that guy, and I think he even goes on about it in his bit, about how he just looks like that even though he doesn’t smoke. I mean, dude, look at that fuckin’ guy. Yeah fucking right. But, have you ever seen him not look like that? If you did, you’d probably be all like, “Jim, oh my God, what happened to you?”

Aside from looking stoned, unfortunately, you can also smell stoned. This, however is an easier fix than the eyes issue.

febrezeFirst of all, do not, I repeat, DO NOT put on cologne or body spray if you think you smell like weed. If you’re a female, it might work for you, but guys, especially, don’t fucking do it. It goes back to the inferences we make without even realizing we’re making them. If somebody left, came back, and now they smell all good, I think either 1) they were at the gym or 2) they were chiefing, automatically. I have a buddy who used to live with this chick and her family, all of whom mega-frowned on smoking weed. mainHe’d still sneak it in whenever he could, though, and try to stay under the radar. I picked him up this one time and we took a ride and burned one, and minute later, he pulled out a spray bottle of Febreze and doused himself with it. I know he was trying, but I think I’d suspect the guy who smells like Febreze of being stoned quicker than the guy with a cheeseburger who reeks like Axe.

The best way to avoid smelling like weed is to minimize the absorbant materials on your person, like your clothes and hair. If you’re a bald stripper, you can leave class early today. If you’re not, check out my morning routine.

1)     Get up

2)     Brush teeth

3)     Get stoned

4)     Eat breakfast

5)     Get a little more stoned

6)     Shower

7)     Coffee

8)     Out the door

coffee-breathThe important part is the order in which I do these things. Because I get high before I get in the shower, there’s no way my awesome hair can stink like anything but shampoo. When I smoke, too, it’s always in a room other than my bedroom, so there’s no way for my clothes to pick it up, either. Finally, the coffee breath will ensure that anyone who ventures too far into my breathing room will be deterred.

So, If you want to be high all the time, but don’t want people to know, you just need to remember your Reverse Highcology. Hell, you might even be able to convince Elmer to say fuck it and shoot them both!

Next Lesson in Highcology:  Inside the Mind of the Non-Smoker

Leave a Reply