…is what a man who I’m quite confident was Kevin McDonald of the Kids in the Hall said to me as I gazed perplexed and dripping wet at a slip of paper with the address to the entrance to Gower Studios in my hand.
He kindly directed me to the proper door and looked somewhat surprised when I replied, “Actually, I’m not. I’m a writer/director. But thanks.”
This happens to me quite frequently – being mistaken for an actress, that is, not being assisted by Kids in the Hall , alas. At fests (and even my unintended impromptu L.A. stage debut last year at the mischievous hands of thespian friend Terry Tocantins), I have been approached more often by managers/agents who want to represent me as an actress rather than a writer/director. I guess it’s all about the packaging. Perhaps my penchant for theatrical outfits, crazy hats, high heels and platinum locks throw folks off. Most directors tend to dress a bit less flamboyantly I suppose.
I pondered this as I worked my way through the Gower labyrinth seeking Stage 5 where I was scheduled to have an on-camera interview with Moviemaker Magazine. I suddenly remembered a quote by Zed from trippin’s behind-the-scenes featurette.
“We’re all actors, aren’t we?”
“Perhaps,” I mused to myself, “though not all of us by choice.”
I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be in front of the camera. I much prefer the other side. But after lots of practice these past few years, I’m no longer bothered by it. In fact, I’m quite comfortable now speaking in sound bites, tossing out loglines for our projects and pithy quips on my approach to directing, writing, etc. Does this qualify as acting? Probably. I’ve learned my lines, know the image I try to portray. It’s not phony, per se, but after so many such “performances” – it’s hardly fresh and off the cuff either.
I wonder if perhaps that’s why there are so many people who strike me as phony in this town. I’ve found an alarming rate of people whose words and actions do not quite line up. I wonder if perhaps it’s not so much disingenuousness as it is the result of playing the same role for too long. I wonder how many have been taken over by roles in which they’ve cast themselves for the purpose of reaching their goals and forgotten the real person beyond the mask. Perhaps people are so convincing in their roles because they believe in their own performance. I’m reminded of Holly GoLightly’s agent in the movie version of Breakfast at Tiffany’s who proclaims,”She’s a phony, but she’s a real phony,” then goes on to explain, “…she actually believes all that phony junk.”
It makes sense. Think about it, few if any of us are truly ourselves on a job interview. We try to be the best candidate we can be – editing out what we perceive to be our weaker qualities and trying to emphasize our strengths and suitability for the position, right?
So in an industry town such as L.A., it’s easy to treat life like one big job interview. We all become actors, trying to land our desired role – director, writer, cast member. Everybody we meet is a potential casting director who can give us our big break if we can just impress him or her.
I have lost faith in a number of friends over the past few years who’ve assumed roles of which I was not fond at all. It seems like this town changes people, not always for the better. Everybody has an agenda. Sadly, genuine friendship is not always one of them, nor is sincerity. It becomes hard to know whom one can trust.
Recently, to avoid future such disappointments, I’ve made a concerted effort to make sure that I myself am not playing anyone other than myself. 
In some cases it’s meant favoring uncomfortable candidness over politeness, and sharing opinions or 
thoughts that I know might not be well-received. It’s even meant realizing that certain friendships are no longer to be. But it’s also led to keeping drama on the page and screen where it belongs, not in a world that offers enough challenges as it is.
No, Kevin McDonald (or whomever that nice gentleman was today), I am not an actress (nor do I play one on TV) …at least, I’m trying not to…
P.S. You and the other Kids totally rock – bring back your show g-dammit! Pretty please?